Update. My secret and Stigma.

Good evening. It's that time again.

So today I had my consultant appointment at the lovely St Cross hospital. My blood tests have come back and they are great. Liver function is normal and my white blood cell count was good. It's also showing that there is nearly no inflammation. I am a happy little Jo about that. So my immunosuppressants have been doubled. The doctor and nurse were very sympathetic about how hard it is to come down of the steroids. I was all bad ass and told them that no matter how I felt I am going to come down week by week until the end of the course. I mean it. I am determined. Yeahh rock on. So I had another blood test (still on 1 blood test a week).

Then I had to get home and get an appointment with my GP for my depression meds and diazapam. Now I know that I shouldn't tell people that I am on these types of medication. I am not stupid and I know there is a stigma that comes with it. There shouldn't be. I saw a problem and I was brave enough to get help. It's perfectly logical. I was even on anti psychotics for a while. See thats my secret and now it's out! It helped deal with the side effects of the Steroids and helped my OCD a lot. Right now I am on Citralapram and the odd diazapam. I am successfully dealing with housework, the finances having an illness for over 10 years. Being on lots of other medication, and the anxiety and thoughts that come with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I even go out now.I have to use a lot of will power and I lean on my sister and my parents a lot. So if the citralapram and diazapam means I get a little bit more help, I don't see how people can be against it.

I'm not Crazy I swear Lol

Now if people want to laugh at me and call me crazy or not want to associate with me because of my mental health issues...so be it. I'm not angry. Actually I think it's pretty cute. They are naive to these issues and it's kind of nice in a way that people can keep that innocence. They obviously haven't dealt with any of the issues me and many others like me have dealt with.
I just hope if they are going to think like they do, that they don't have issues in the future because they would feel awful about what they did wouldn't they? :-)

An update.

Good evening. I thought It was about time for a little update on how things are going whilst the sisters out with her boyfriend.

I went to a bootsale today. Huge achievement! I kept calm. I gave in to a compulsion though. It's actually an interesting example of how ocd can make ya feel. Me and mandy were walking back to the car and mum was walking back to the car from a different direction. I get this thought. If I get there before her something bad will happen. Stupidly my heart starts beating faster I feel the panic rise. My face gets hot. In a second I suddenly feel like If I don't time this right someone I love will die today, it'll be my fault. Rationally that makes no sense but it's all my mind can think. So I had to slow down and match the speed of mum walking. Making sure I get there at the same time. It's So stupid. Lol.

I'm starting to taper down of the pred by 5mg every week now. Whenever I'm on the pred a lot of strange things happen to my body and mind. It's well documented that this drug can send you totally crazy by the nickname 'Hell drug'. I'm feeling a bit emotional. I cried at the awkward family photos book yesterday, it seemed so beautiful. lol. But the most worrying is the rage. Oooh the rage. It can be something small but I want to just smash absolutely everything. I get so hateful and before I know it I'm like the freaking tasmanian devil running around all angry you could throw any WWE wrestler at me and I will bring them down!. I've cried in to my sisters arms in complete frustration at it.  It just consumes you. The thing is I am not an angry person at all so it's so out of character. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's chemicals. Just chemicals.

I'm pretty hungry all the time aswell and lastly in the moan fest against pred my faaace. Bloated moon face is back. Everytime I see myself in a reflection I make frog noises. Mandy tells me not to but y'know it makes me laugh.

She made me feel better about myself but dyeing my hair red. I learnt I look awful ginger.  But nice red.

So yeah. I am taking all my medication and I can honestly say that. I feel really sick a lot, and the cramps in my stomach can get pretty bad. I'm still having to run to the loo more times than I should whilst being on all the medication. I have to email my IBD nurse about it but I don't wanna bother her.
The asacol has made me bruise a lot. Nasty bruises, I'm thinking of getting some cover up for my legs so that on holiday my legs won't look all bruised.

My sister has hurt her foot which sucks. She hobbles around the place now. She's on anti-inflammatories. She's not working tommorrow and probably not monday, then she has to go back tuesday. I just hope she doesn't damage it more.

So yeah... all in all I am feeling pretty happy. Doing drawing again which is good. Tattoo fund is over £70. Now I need to think of what tattoo I want.  I'm keeping positive.

Currently ejoying these boxsets. 

Corey taylor and back to Horley

I went to Corey Taylor in Birmingham. It was pretty good but of course my UC and OCD made it a little awkward. The thing I have learnt though is to not dwell on the bad bits. In the interest of honesty thou I will dwell a little. It was only as we got near the venue I suddenly got panicky and needed the loo. My dad took me and Mandy and her boyfriend because he is a sweetheart and knows I would never go if I didn't have him there in case anything goes wrong (panic attack or an accident). I always panic when getting near the venue. Everytime. The tears. Once or twice before I've even jumped from the car in search of a loo. Thats the desperation of it.
Anyways we got there and I went in a pub used the loo and we joined the line. IT TOOK FOREVER. I was in tears. Mandy and her boyfriend kept calming me down. When you think you're gonna have an accident it's the worse and when you don't know how long till you can get to a loo, urgh. Then you're crying an panicking and people are looking. So the anxiety is just unbearable. BUUUUUUT.....I did it. I made the line. I got in the venue. I enjoyed the concert. I stood with everyone. Made it home.

Another event that happened is we went to Horley where we used to live and went to school. We haven't been there in 6 or 7 years so it was a pretty strange experience. I felt awkward because I am ashamed that I still haven't got the illness under control and I am ashamed that I don't have a job because of the illness. I know it's not my fault but most times I feel like I am doing worse than I was when I was diagnosed. We had arranged to meet up with a few people and I'm pleased to report they were all understanding and nice. It was good. I also found a lot more of my confidence that I had lost over the last few years.

Me and Dad. 

So Medication update-. I'm now on prednisolone again (grrrr) and I'm on autoimmune drugs, I have blood tests every week which is annoying as I have to get a cab there. I was put back on the asacol (I stopped taking it accidently woops). Whilst on the trip my back and what I presume is my kidneys hurt like hell. Throbbing pain. I was worried but after a few days it was better. I have bruises everywhere! I think it's the asacol. I'm still on my depression meds which are working good and I have diazapam for when I get upset.

I'm feeling angry again. But I just need to stay chilled. I am concerned that I my tummy is still playing me up even on the pred but I really don't want to go back to the hospital so quick so I will give it a week or two before I get in touch with my IBD nurse, Sonia.

Mandy is going to die my hair bright red this week! yay. 

My rocks! Mandy and Dad.