Me and Mandy were out wondering round town (she makes me go out at least once a week) doing a little bit of shopping. I just couldn't stop thinking about all the mess in the house and how we should be cleaning instead. My sister said how we'd sort it later but I got myself very upset over it. Then it happened! She stormed off. I texted her to come back. She told me I was "Out of control". Referring to the fact that my worrying and anxiety was overtaking me, I guess.
Well she did come back. She gave me this. She says that the shock and hurt on my face made her feel really mean.
An appointment. This is to see my doctor and ask to go on some anti-anxiety medication. I'm so suspicious of doctors. I had a theory that they gave people cancer or other diseases if they get bored of them. Like an underground network. I don't trust the medication they give me. Rationally me and my therapist talked that through one session. Still I can't help slip back when I see a doctor or consultant. I spend so much effort trying to calm myself down. It's just a huge stressful thing.... Plus if there is a network who is to say my therapist wasn't a part of it and trying to cover it up.
So yeah you can get why I see an appointment as punishment. We came home and I went straight to the sofa and cried my eyes out. I felt really truly betrayed. Like I said to her, she's okay to go to the doctors as punishment if we have an argument. If she argues with me I don't have the luxury of calling her out of control and getting a doctor to sort it.
Now I'm calm and rational I see that my worrying is getting worse. I just can't stop it. I won't trust the medication as far as I could throw it but I am sure I will take it. Just to please Mandy. Make her life a little bit more comfortable. I'll see if I really go tommorrow.
In other news. I went out!!!
The Secret Egypt exhibition launch at the Herbert. I went with Mandy, Mum and John. I was so nervous. We got to Coventry and I got out the car and started walking but suddenly it felt like a movie. All the cars, and Lorries, and People and the noise. The lights were blinding. I just felt everything wizzing and I couldn't catch my breath. A panic attack. CONTROL YOURSELF JO! And I did. I remembered that I needed to stop the adrenaline. Breathe normal, carry on. Distract myself. My therapist's voice pops in my head 'self soothe' 'don't catastraphize'.
We made it to the gallery and it's beautiful and so many people were there and I was wearing a dress(!!). The artifacts were amazing. I love Ancient Egypt. I have so many books on it. I probably spend half my life watching documentaries on pharoahs. I have become somewhat of a fan-girl for Akhenaten. They had Akhenaten stuff there. Just awesome. In the true sense of the word. They had replicas which is explained in the exhibition, and real stuff including a real Mummy. All the tiny jewelery was amazing. Fantastic. Really enjoyable. I learnt a lot. What I still can't get over is just how amazing it is to have something from 2,000 to 3,000 years old here, now, being admired. Wow!
We're going to Birmingham to see what Egypt stuff they have soon. Hopefully that will be just as great. Spoke to Dad on the phone and he said we should go to cairo. How amazing would that be.
We came out of the gallery and Coventry Cathedral (which was opposite) had the bells going. The others wanted to go and see. All I could think of is how much I needed the loo. That familiar panic set in. I thought fuck it! This is a great moment and my illness has already ruined so much and it will not ruin this!. So we saw the bell ringers. Then we admired the statue of Lucifer and St Michael which in the dark with the bells and the rain is the most scariest amazing thing. A proper fantastic, remember for ever moment.
Mum and John dropped us home and I was buzzing. I had seen all these amazing relics. I had overcome panic attacks, I had stood amongst normal people. I had even worn a dress. I had experienced these amazing moments and I didn't even have an accident. Great evening.
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