The world crashes in. I've got new furniture yay.

We ordered some flat pack bookcases from Ikea. Slowly and calmly me and Mandy put them together without incident and without argument. Looks really good I think. 

I wanted to sort the DVDs by colour. But Mandy said no 

and I settled for doing it by category. 

Mum and John took us to homebase and we got a few bits and bobs like a Tv Stand. (Which we also put together).

And we bought my favourite thing. A New rug. 

It was in a selection of sale rugs. This was at the bottom

and an identical one was at the top. I NEEDED the bottom

one. There was no way I would take the top one because

it was a bit evil. 

So the living room looks great. Much more relaxing, which is important seeing I spend a lot of time home alone. I was so proud of myself for going to Homebase and then the furniture shop. I was so nervous. As soon as I couldn't see Mandy I just feel like the world was ending. It's like I'm a kid. 

When I'm out thou, I can get in to a state that I don't care how manic or mad I may look to other people I just do what I can to get through.

I had a couple of bad nights. Both uc and OCD wise this week. Me and Mandy had a minor argument...I can't even remember what it was over now. Thats how minor it was. I had this revelation. It's like the whole world was falling down around me. A voice said "She hates you, You ruined her life, She's given up so much for you". I couldn't cope with that. My therapist taught me that I have to just stop those thoughts before they escalate. I have to distract myself and ignore them. I do this. A lot. I'm great at it. Sometimes thou like this night I don't get there in time. 

Over and over again I involuntarily thought of how much she hates me. I would have done anything to rid the feelings. So would Mandy. She tried. I had a shower, got changed, Tried to sleep. She dragged me downstairs where she had made up a bed on the sofa. She got my laptop out. She got me a drink. She put on the TV. She wouldn't leave my side. She tried bless her heart. I wouldn't listen. Why would you listen when you realise that it's all messed up?. There's no point. 

I cried for 3 or so hours. I don't quite know how to explain how I felt. Everything changed. Everything was darker everything was different. Nothing was real. I didn't even realise I was crying. I've been depressed before. I used to lay in bed all day just staring at the ceiling. I felt like I was slipping again. The worst part was I didn't even want to fight.

I fight everyday. I fight feeling down. I fight the thoughts that I don't want. I fight the compulsions. I fight the obsessions. I fight the anxiety. I fight the feelings. So it's a bit of a disaster when I give up. When I give up, I am what I was that night. The Living Dead. I hear and see but it doesn't go in. I just lay there. Crying. I don't even have the energy to move. 

Then My UC wants in on the evenings events. I'm sure you don't need details of what happens when I so nicely put it am  "stuck on the loo". I was dizzy, running back and fourth to the loo, Holding a bag in case I was sick. In the early hours of the morning I got in to bed and somehow fell asleep. In the morning me and Mandy had a heart to heart. Her sitting on my bed. We agreed if I wasn't going to try for me I should try for her. Usually I'm all good doing it for me but in those moments when I'm not. I've got that. So for her I got up and dressed. I put on my imaginary boxing gloves and rejoined the fight. 

Last night In another low moment I asked my sister to not give up on me. She cried. She said that she would never. I'm incredibly lucky.